The Roaches

Web Play by Mike Nova

The events, persons and geographical terms are fictional and any associations are subject to reader's or spectator's fantasies and imagination.

Ophelia: "O, woe is me, T'have seen what I have seen, see what I see!" - William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Dramatis Personae, in order of appearance:

Roach 1, a chief of Secret Police
Roach 2, a deputy to Roach 1
Roach 3, a deputy to Roach 2
Rank and file Roaches, agents and informants
Columbus - Chris
Crazy Roach
KGB Roach
Agüeybaná - Al
Prince Igor
Inquisitors-Inspectors from the Holy Inquisition

The events take place on the abstract and not so abstract Caribbean island of Puerto Tricko.


Roaches sing and dance. Roaches' Chorus, to the tune of "La Cucaracha":

We are The Roaches, we are The Roaches
Smart and practical we are
We do the searches when no one watches
We lie and steal and play guitar

We are the Secret Policia
Through and through we always see you: 
Your secrets - bidniz is for us:
To know what one thinks and does

We're strong and jumpy, we're never grumpy
The Power makes feel us swell
We're intrusive, we're abusive
And that is why they pay us well

We're fast and furious, we're always curious
Your secrets - bidniz is for us:
Antennae listening, mustaches glistening
We know all one thinks and does

We rule the Island with the fist of iron
But Hand Invisible in glove
You'll always need us, you have to feed us
And give us your reshpect and love

Roaches 1 to 3 repeat, demandingly: 
Reshpect! Reshpect! 
Reshpect! Reshpect! Reshpect!

Chorus repeats after them: 
Reshpect! Reshpect! 
Reshpect! Reshpect! Reshpect!

We are The Roaches, when night approaches
We practice Con-No-Intel-Pro
We are the heroes, the Roach-Vampiros
You better listen to us, bro! 


Roaches 1 to 3 repeat, threateningly: 
Or else! Or else! 
Or else! Or else! Or else! 

Chorus repeats after them: 
Or else! Or else! 
Or else! Or else! Or else! 


Scene 1: The World Congress of Roaches

The World Congress of Roaches opens in a central square of Puerto Tricko capital. In the background - the live stature of Christopher Columbus, who condescendingly observes the proceedings, extending his middle finger up in the air. 

Roach 1, the chief of Secret Police is a keynote speaker and moderator. Roaches 2 and 3 sit at the podium by his sides. 

Columbus: Liars, thieves, manipulators! Ugly, disgusting roaches! Cut their ears and noses off! To the galleys! To Siberia! To the labor camp! 

Roach 1: Ekhe, Ekhe... Señore Columbus, you have to behave, otherwise we will remove you.
Welcome, the Most Honorable Señores and Señoras Roaches and dear guests! Today is the most remarkable day. We celebrate the victory of Roachismo, the powerful and popular political movement. We, the Roaches are blessed with the incomparable gift of survival and vitality. We are the only ones who will survive the nuclear war and any other calamities and challenges. We are the best and the fittest. We are the ultimate survivors and drivers of progress, we are the crowning achievement of World Civilization! The life could not go on without our tireless efforts at improving the Roach-kind, without our unique investigative and manipulative skills and devotion.

Columbus: Liar! Cut his tongue off!

Roach 1: Ekhe, Ekhe... Your objections notwithstanding, I will continue with my speech, commodore.

Columbus: Commodore up your ass. I am the Admiral of the High Seas! 

Roach 1: Whatever. As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, this is an example of our democracy in action: in our free country even the statues are allowed to talk. (Everyone laughs approvingly.) As a matter of fact, the statues are allowed to talk even more than others, since they don't do it very often. We do not discriminate, we are the equal talking opportunities society. (Everyone laughs approvingly again.) 

Anti-Roach: Down with the Roaches! Call Exterminator! 

Roach 1: And this will not happen. What is allowed to statues, cannot be allowed to some terrorist Anti-Roaches, calling for our extermination. Arrest him! Put him into Anti-Roach asylum! He will learn there very fast how to love the Roaches! I say: Roaches today, Roaches tomorrow, and Roaches forever!

(Anti-Roach is arrested and lead out, the crowd of Roaches jeers, whistles, boos and catcalls at him, menacingly moving their antennae. Roach 1 pounds his gavel.)

Roach 1: Order, order! My deputy, Roach 2 has the floor. 

Roach 2: I will report to you on our achievements in the area of Roachismo. We gained almost total control over the Island's society: almost everyone is either our employee, agent or informant. We know everything about everyone. We read everyone's mail and e-mail. We listen to every conversation, live or on the phone. Even sweet pillow talks are monitored and recorded for possible leads. But what is more: we can manipulate and force practically everyone to do whatever we want: to report on others, to play our tricks, to provoke, to frame, to betray. We turned every Islander into a Roach. We also have plenty of Roaches on the Mainland, more than anyone would ever suspect. We can say that we achieved almost total Roachanization of this society. Everyone is a Roach. 

Crazy Roach (shouting his question from the auditorium): If everyone is a Roach, then why do you have to spy on them?

Roach 2: The answer is: the security. 

Crazy Roach: If you cannot get the security under total Roachanization, then how can you get it? And what do you call "the security" anyway? 

Roach 3: Listen, Crazy Roach, you are asking too many questions. We all know that you are crazy. You don't understand the political dynamics. You don't deserve to be called a Roach. You better shut up and walk the line. And remember: we can always fire you and turn you into a non-Roach. Then you can play a philosopher as much as you want. 

(Excitement and noise in the audience)

Roach 1: Order, order! And now I give the floor to our distinguished guest and friend from Russia, the KGB Roach. (Applause, applause.) 

KGB Roach: Dear friends and colleagues! I am happy to be with you. We have a lot of agents and friends in high places here. 
I congratulate you on your impressive success in the development of our common ideology of Roachismo. Total control and skillful manipulation - these are our common goals. But we have to take it a step further. You probably heard about our movement of new conservatism: law, order and traditional moral values. That what we have to work on. Those sickies from the Gay Liberation movement is a threat not only to our common thinking but to our very existence. It is as anti-Roachistic as it can get. We know that from the ancient times the gay life style is associated with excesses of libertarianism, decadence and lack of control. And this cannot be tolerated. It is either them or us. The Roaches of the World, unite! 

Columbus: Liar and pervert! To Siberia! Wolves and bears are your friends and colleagues. Have your lifestyle with them! 

Roach 1: That's enough! We need some tough discipline here. Remove him! Get him off his pedestal! Put him in chains! And send him back to Spain! 

(The mayhem and chaos starts in the crowd. Columbus is pulled off his pedestal and put in chains.) 

Chorus of Roaches chants and sings: 

Put him in chains! 
Send him to Spain! 

You shouldn't come here, Columbus!
You're trying in vain 
To show us the way, 
We, Roaches will hang you on lamp post! 

Give us our gold back!

Put him in chains! 
Send him to Spain! 

Columbus (resisting): Morons! Cut their ears off! Treachery! Fifth Column! It's all your tricks, Isabella! Diego, start the revolution! 

(Columbus sings "La Cucaracha" while been put in chains.)

Roach 1: Order, order! We conclude today's proceedings with a word from our beloved Gubernador. 

Gubernador (speaking in broken English): Greetings! Thank you for your very generous introduction, my dear friend Roach 1. 
They say: "crisis". They say: "75 bils". I say: what crisis? I live in my mansion. You ride in your new shiny government cars. Everyone wears expensive bicycle suits and goes to restaurants. What crisis? No crisis. I say: borrow more. Give them the haircuts! Take their tax refunds back. Let them pay, it's their problem. They should take care of us. They should carry us in their arms and pamper us and give us more money and more new shiny government cars. They should give us more TLC (Tender Loving Care). Because we are special. Because we are so much in love with ourselves, that everyone else should love and adore us too. No crisis! Be happy! We have more jobs, we are richer than ever. Don't worry. And the main thing is, reelect me for the second term, and we will have even more jobs, more money, more cars and more bicycle suits. 
They say, Gubernador is the executioner of workers. What workers? We have less and less of them anyway. No workers - no problems. We don't need all sorts of parrots here, repeating their imperialistic slogans. We need good patriotic Roaches! I am your defender! I say: enhance, enhance and enhance. We need the commonwealth enhancement operation. 

Crazy Roach: To what size? 

Gubernador: I don't know: 12 inches, 20 inches; sky is the limit. Don't worry, be happy! Well, anyway, I have to go to Spain now for consultations and instructions. I will take this man, Columbus on my plane with me, it will save us some money for his deportation ticket. Just make sure he is chained well. He is probably an impostor. I will hand him directly to the King and the Inquisition, let them deal with this rebel - anti-Roachisto. They will teach him a good lesson. 

Roaches: Hurrah! Hurrah! 

Columbus: Traitors! Fifth column! Cut their ears off! Be damned, Isabella! Oh, why did I discover this New World? Why did I let the Roaches rule? They will eat us up! They will eat up and destroy everything! 

(Mayhem and chaos start again. Angry Roaches drag chained Columbus away. Suddenly, the top of his pedestal springs open. A lot of thunder, lightnings and the crescendo of drumbeats and powerful music. Shocked and scared Roaches pull back and hide in the corners. Agüeybaná's head slowly shows from the depths of Columbus' open pedestal. He emerges completely: a good looking young Taino man in G-string. He looks around in wonder and surprise and starts to dance: elegantly, exuberantly, ecstatically, in a classic style; full of energy and joy of being alive. Roaches get into even greater shock and retreat further in awe and silence. By the time the music ends, Agüeybaná dances away and disappears.

Scene 2: A fax from the KGB

Roach 1 (to Roach 2): What was it?

Roach 2 (to Roach 3): What was it?

Roach 3 (to Roach 1): What was it?

Roach 1 (to Roach 2): Who is he?

Roach 2 (to Roach 3): Who is he?

Roach 3 (to Roach 1): Who is he?

Roach 1: Don't ask me stupid questions. I hired you to give me the answers, not to ask me questions. Search the Database. 

Roach 2: To search for what? 

Roach 1: Search for something. Do the wildcard. 

Roach 3: What Database? 

Roach 1: The Secret Database, moron. What other Database do we have? 
(Roaches 2 and 3 are stupefied and frozen in silence. Roach 1 starts to move their arms and push them furiously to get them out of their stupor.) 
Do the brainstorm! Generate the ideas!
Oh, I forgot that you don't have any brains, just old sawdust. 

Crazy Roach (pensively): Vulgarity and lack of brains are the inevitable features of many mass organisations (except some, such as the Military and the CIA, for example, due to their unique character and spirit), but we, the Roachista, are especially good at this. We are drunk on the illusion of Power; it is sweeter than wine for us... 
If we don't acknowledge this, we will not be able to deal with the problem... Duty and dedication, that what counts, with the minimum of vanity and personal or organisational sensitivities and ambitions. Maybe, it might be good for you to hear it...  

Roach 1: Oh, shut up, Crazy Roach. Go take some Haldol. Any ideas why that weirdo is here? 

Roach 2: He was sent to us.

Roach 1: By whom? 

Roach 3: By the Mainland. 

Roach 1: Why? 

Roach 2: To spy on us. 

Roach 1: They spy on us all the time, just like we spy on them. They don't have to send some dancing weirdo for that, they have their regular people. And, anyway, they could never compete with our main existential strategic "Da me" doctrine, both personal and political: 
"Take from them everything you can, give them - nothing!"
And why was he sitting in that Columbus pedestal and for how long? What does all this mean? And all these meteo and sound effects? Very strange. 

Crazy Roach:  Maybe, you should consult your KGB friend. 

Roach 1 (to Roach 3): Go call that KGB piece of shit. Anything goes. If we don't have our own ideas, at least we can steal, I mean borrow them from someone. 

Roach 2: He looked like a Taino, in that G-string. 

Roach 1: What is a Taino? Did you ever see a live Taino? And strippers wear G-strings too.

Roach 2: Maybe he was a stripper? He was very good looking and danced well. 

Roach 1: Are you a homosexual, Roach 2? Do you go to gay strip-clubs? I will have to check your file. Well, even if you are, don't worry, you are in good company. 

Roach 2: Just thinking. 

Roach 1: That's something new. I didn't notice this ability in you before. 

Roach 3: A fax just came from the KGB. 

Roaches 1 and 2: A fax from the KGB?! 

Roach 1: Read it. 

Roach 3: Strictly confidential. Shared as a part of the international cooperation program for advancement of Roachismo. 
From Archive of Personal Files. 
Name: Agüeybaná
Date of birth: 1485

Roaches 1 and 2: 1485?! 

Roach 3: That what it says here. 

Roach 2: How far back do their files go? 

Roach 1: I heard, back to the Third century AD. Keep reading.

Roach 3: General background: a nephew of the Great Cassique Agüeybaná The First. Was slated for human sacrifice to appease the gods to avert the anticipated Spanish Conquest, but saved and hidden away by his mother, the Taino high priestess, who was Agüeybaná The First's sister. Was given a magic potion to sleep for about 500 years. 
Personal qualities: Intelligent, honest but naive. Has automatic ability to learn languages. 
Sexual Orientation: gay. 

Roaches 1 and 2: Gay?!

Roach 1: This is the only thing we need here: the gay cassique. Read more. 

Roach 3: That's all. The end of file. 

Roach 2: How do they know that he is gay? 

Roach 1: They know everything. 

Roach 2: What if it a disinformation? What if they have some grudge against him?

Roach 1: For 500 years? Doesn't make any sense. We will investigate this ourselves anyway. We will investigate everything. We will subdue and control him, just as we do with everyone else and will convert him into a Roach, or at least into an informant. We will call it the "Operation Gay Cassique". 
Roach 2, prepare the plan of the operation: check out if he is a pedophile, necrophile, zoophile or some other phile or sympathizer; send good friends to him, give him a pendant with a microphone and a mobile phone, so we could hear everything he says and does. Get a good supply of: 
  • shitbombs,
  • pissbombs (Ammonia! Ammonia!),
  • other scent bombs,
  • a lot of pepperspray, 
  • truth serum,
  • ionizers, 
  • and ultrasound guns. 

Roach 3, send a drone and find out where he is now and what he is doing. 
We'll see what this "gay cassique" is all about. Report to me all the details. That's all. Go, go, go! Work! 

Scene 3: Wai me! Nobody loves me! 

Roach 1 sings a song: 

I am just a poor boy
Nobody loves me
Wai me, wai me, 
Nobody loves me

I am just an old roach 
Nobody loves me
Wai me, wai me, 
Nobody loves me

My mama wanted to abort me
Nobody loves me
Wai me, wai me, 
Nobody loves me

My wife attacks me with her shoe 
Nobody loves me
Wai me, wai me, 
Nobody loves me

My kids don't want to look at me
Nobody loves me
Wai me, wai me, 
Nobody loves me

My boss just scolds me all the time
Nobody loves me
Wai me, wai me, 
Nobody loves me

In the village was born
Nobody loves me
Wai me, wai me, 
Nobody loves me

All I do is silly pranks
Nobody loves me
Wai me, wai me, 
Nobody loves me

Maybe I should kill myself
Nobody loves me
Wai me, wai me, 
Nobody loves me

Wai me! 

("Wai me!": This is my version of spelling, it is pronounced "WHY MAE": an operatic expression - is used in opera, as far as I noticed; is also a popular expression among the Armenians, for some reasons. It conveys the emotions of great sorrow, sadness and regret which are directed to the one who says it. It is equivalent to "Woe is me": "Grammar aside, it is also a direct quote from the Bible and Shakespeare's Hamlet... Ophelia: "O, woe is me, T'have seen what I have seen, see what I see!" - William Shakespeare, Hamlet... It is an exclamation of sorrow and misfortune." See also: "woe on me" - GS.) 

Scene 4: "Roaches caput!" 

Anti-Roach (just released from jail and hiding in the bushes): 
Down with the Roaches! Call Exterminator! 

Exterminator (big, strong but kind and gentle guy in overalls): Here I am. 
(Starts throwing candy wraps and pennies into the open Columbus' pedestal and announcing loudly:)

Gold! Cars! Suits! Status!
Gold! Cars! Suits! Status!
Gold! Cars! Suits! Status!

(Roaches get out of their hiding places and stream to the pedestal with accelerating speed. The pandemonium starts, Roaches, pushing each other out, jump into the pedestal. When all the Roaches get inside, Exterminator closes the lid. Roaches, yelling and screaming, try to lift it from inside. Exterminator pounds his big fist on all four sides of the lid, shutting it tight and repeating:)

What is your problem, Roach? Bum!
What is your problem, Roach? Bum!
What is your problem, Roach? Bum!
What is your problem, Roach? Bum! 

(He puts and closes a padlock on the pedestal and demonstrates the key to the audience. Then he drills a hole on a side of the pedestal, inserts the schlong from the canister and fumigates the Roaches.)

Exterminator: Roaches caput!

(Burnt, half-dead, skeleton-like Roaches get out through the side hole, dance and whirl in agony and drop completely dead in the front of the pedestal. Exterminator collects them into a mound and sings

Roaches 1, 2, 3 and Crazy Roach are the only ones who remain alive. They creep slowly towards the front of the pedestal and watch the scene in horror.) 

Roach 1: All is gone, we've lost everyone and everything. This is the end. 
(Roaches 2 and 3 are trembling by his sides.)

Crazy Roach: Or maybe just the beginning.

Scene 5: Laughter as a weapon 

Roach 1 (speaking in front of the smoldering bodies of dead Roaches):
If not for this calamity, Roach 2, I would fire you on the spot. You are responsible to watch and control all the newcomers and to make their lives as miserable as possible, to create the hostile and inhospitable climate. They are a threat to our culture and the way of life. The war was lost militarily more than one hundred years ago, but it continues culturally, ideologically, linguistically and in everyday life. These are our only means of resistance now: to prevent the Island from the further colonization and absorption into the alien culture. We are the true nationalists, even if they gave us this job to fight and to neutralize the militants. We are even more of the nationalists than them, and we are much more efficient, because we are masked and hidden, because we have this Power. This is our "true security". Who is this Exterminator and how did he get on the Island? Why didn't you know about it? We have to know everything about everyone. Investigate him now! 
Roach 3, you are in charge of personnel, recruit new Roaches and informants, we will fight to the end. 
Crazy Roach, inspect our drones, this will become our main line of resistance. 
We have to review our weapons, and our main weapon is psychology, and first of all - laughter. Laugh at them! Always and everywhere, under all circumstances. Destroy their self-confidence, make them feel like hunted pray. Laughter is the weapon of last resort of conquered people. 
Use all the other weapons that we have experience with: pepper spray them, throw dust into their eyes with ionizers, brake their backs with ultrasound guns, bomb them with shit and piss bombs! 
Laugh at them, humiliate them, refuse them services, put garbage into their food; give them nothing, make them feel threatened and in danger. 
But most importantly, instill in our people the sense of community and the sense of being different from the outsiders and newcomers in all respects: language, culture, habits, way of life. Control everyone, and those who are difficult to control - neutralize, turn them into outcasts. 
Recruit everyone you can recruit, make all the alliances you can make. This is the real struggle! 

Crazy Roach: We cannot win, we have to make peace and surrender. We have to work on assimilation. 

Roach 1: Traitor! I always knew that you are a traitor. You are fired! 

Roach 3: Boss, the urgent telegram from one of our Roaches in Spain. He got a word from our sources in the Holy Inquisition that Columbus escaped. 

All: Escaped?!

Roach 3: But there is more to it: he was revived - turned from a statue into a live human being. And rejuvenated into a young man.

Roach 2: Impossible! No one can do this. 

Roach 1: The Holy Inquisition can do anything they want, even the impossible. 

Roach 3: And there is even more. (Hesitates in confusion.)

All: What?! 

Roach 3 (whispers): He was turned into a gay. 

All: Into a gay!!! 

Roach 2 (in complete shock): By the Holy Inquisition?!

Roach 1: This is a conspiracy! They want to destroy our Island nation. This is a subversion! 

Roach 2: The drone sent some pictures, I cannot see them clearly... (Looks intently into his mobile phone.) It looks like some two men on a beach. (Instinctively holding a hand on his crotch.) It becomes larger now. 

Roach 3: What becomes larger?

Roach 2: The picture, moron!

Roach 1: Put it on a big screen!

Roach 2: These are Agüeybaná and Columbus! They became a couple!

Roach 1: Destroy them! Send the drones to arrest them.

(The large screen appears and turns into a reality.) 

Scene 6: Call me Al 

(Al and Chris are on the beach. Three big, somewhat strange looking birds start circling above their heads.)

Al: I like birds. And these seem to like us, too. 

Chris: These are the drones, Al. They sent them after us. 

Al: Why? 

Chris: The Roaches sent them. They cannot deal with those they cannot control.

Al: And what will happen now?

Chris: Don't worry. I will reprogram them. My friends in the Inquisition foresaw this and gave me all the codes. 
(Chris starts dialing buttons on a remote control device. The birds turn around and fly away.)

Al: You are smart and strong. I am proud of you. It's good to be with you.

Chris: I like you, Al. You are beautiful and you fill my heart. It's great that we are together.

(They kiss, long and passionately. 
The reality turns back into a screen, which starts to flicker and turns off.)

Roach 1: They sent the drones back at us. Play with the control radar computer and see if you can deflect them.

Roach 2: It does not respond. They changed the codes!

Roach 3: Damn it! The drones came back!

(The same three birds start circling above their heads. The three Roaches scream and run in different directions. The birds descend on them and drop the nets. The Roaches are caught in these nets. The birds lift them, fly them to the sea and drop them there. The Roaches scream and drown.
Al and Chris watch this on their mobile phones.)

Chris: We are free! No more Roaches! No more oppression. The life will return back to normal. The Island can breath now. We will help the people to get back their normal and healthy lives. We will work with them and for them. I like this island. In my past life, when I was Columbus, I just circled around it on my ships. It looked so peaceful, serene and enchanted. And it feels even better to be on it and to breath this free air. People will call us "The Gay Cassiques". 

(They build a hut and put up a sign: "The Gay Cassiques Family". They laugh, kiss again, long and even more passionately and start to dance. This turns into a mass carnaval-burlesque, similar to the opening scene, but bright and joyful.

End of Act 1. 

Act 2 

Scene 1: "Glory to the KGB!" 

(KGB Roach pulls a fishing line from the ocean and sings): 

I will catch myself a fish:
Small fish, big fish
I will cook myself a dish:
Steamy dish, juicy dish

Zombie armies work for me
Steal for me, kill for me,
Spy for me, die for me - 
Work for me, work for me

Catch my bait
Change your fate
Work for me
Work for me

I will put you in a trance
And perform my magic seance
Work for me
Work for me

Glory to the KGB:
Slaves and zombies you will be
Work for me, die for me,
Work for me, die for me

(He pulls out three nets with half-dead Roaches 1-3 from the ocean, cuts the nets, gets the Roachies out and gives them electroshocks with the special, Taser-like device to revive them.)

KGB Roach: If the Holy Inquisition can revive a stature, KGB can certainly revive three little miserable Roaches. Stupid miserable Roaches! You called me "a piece of shit"! I heard everything! I always hear everything, see everything and know everything. I saved your lives. You owe me. You will have to work for me now. You will be my zombies and will do everything I say.

Roach 1: Yes, sir!

Roaches 2 and 3: Yes, sir!

KGB Roach (smiling condescendingly and with satisfaction): You may call me just a "comrade".

Roach 1: Yes, comrade!

Roaches 2 and 3: Yes, comrade!

KGB Roach (fixes the three Roaches into his chariot carriage and cracks his whip): 
Poyekhali! (which in Russian means: "Let us go!") 
Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! 
Mchis, troyka! ("Run, troyka!")
(Three Roaches run and drive his chariot away under the clicking sounds of his cracking whip.) 

Scene 2: Prince Igor 

О, дайте, дайте мне свободу!
Я мой позор сумею искупить.
Спасу я честь свою и славу,
Я Русь от недруга спасу!

Oh, give me, give me back my freedom!
I will redeem my shame and guilt.
I'll save my honor and my glory,
I'll save Rus from enemies!

Prince Igor (sings, holding a globe in his hand): 

The world is trembling in my hands
Under the sway of spies and bands
I will send you scourge and wars
And will keep you on your toes

And yet, though strong and brave
I feel myself a slave

I've lost my peace, my place in Eden
It's not for me the stars are lit
Oh, give me, give me back my freedom! 
I will redeem my shame and guilt.

Oh, give me, give me back my freedom! 
I will redeem my shame and guilt.

Scene 3: "Parovozik" 

KGB Roach and Roaches 1 to 3 (sit in the bushes at night by the Gay Cassiques hut and try to send their "subliminal messages", throwing shit and piss bombs into the hut and directing their handheld air ionizers at it, which emit the rays of dust):
Gays! Gays! Homos! Homos! Kill! Kill!
Gays! Gays! Homos! Homos! Kill! Kill! 
Gays! Gays! Homos! Homos! Kill! Kill! 

Roach 1: No reaction. Those gays are immune to it.

KGB Roach: I "hribal" (Russian: "yebal": "I fucked it, I don't care") who they are, gays or no gays. I just want blood. That what I get paid for. We want to show to this sick society how sick it is, and homos especially, to make them kill each other, to unmask their "lifestyle". We have to play on their most primitive, animal instincts, emotions and passions: hatred, hurt, revenge, jealousy, greed, power games. But it is us only who have the real power, because we can manipulate them. And drugs and hypnosis will help too. I want all of them, homos or no homos, to "corchado" (Russian: "korchitsa": to twist and turn in pain) as "durango" (as long) as possible. Go on! More! 

KGB Roach and Roaches 1 to 3
Gays! Gays! Homos! Homos! Kill! Kill! 
Gays! Gays! Homos! Homos! Kill! Kill! 
Gays! Gays! Homos! Homos! Kill! Kill! 

(Roach 1 makes a hole with his finger in the hut wall and inserts a long observation tube there. Roaches, hiding in the bushes, file behind each other in a reversed hierarchical order and try to peek into the tube.)

Roach 3: Don't get too excited, Roach 2! 

Roach 2: Don't get too excited, Roach 1!

Roach 1: Don't get too excited, KGB Roach! 

Roach 3: Are you fucking me, Roach 2? 

Roach 2: Are you fucking me, Roach 1? 

Roach 1: Are you fucking me, KGB Roach? 

KGB Roach sings: 
Наш паровоз, вперёд лети! 
В коммуне остановка 
Иного нет у нас пути 
В руках у нас винтовка! 

Fly ahead, our steam engine train
The Commune is our stop 
There is no other way 
We have a rifle in our hands! 

("Parovozik" - "a little steam engine train": a Russian slang term for gay group sex: when steam engine train stops or slows down, its cars bang into each other. The verses above are from the early 20-th century Russian revolutionary song: see full text in Russian and English translation and YouTube Search: "Наш паровоз, вперёд лети!"

Roach 3 (emitting an orgiastic sound): A-a-a-a!

Roach 2 (emitting an orgiastic sound): A-a-a-a!

Roach 1 (emitting an orgiastic sound): A-a-a-a!

KGB Roach (emitting an orgiastic sound): A-a-a-a! 

(They fall into the bushes in exhaustion.)

Chris (comes out of the hut and empties a night pot into the bushes where Roaches fell, right on their heads): 
What a beautiful night! (Ironically): A lot of stars. 

(Roach 1 cautiously raises his head, masked by twigs, to see what is going on. Chris bangs a night pot on his head, which produces a vacuous metallic sound. Head goes down. Chris goes back to his hut, extracts the observation tube and throws it out into the bushes, which also produces the series of vacuous metallic sounds: 


Then he comes inside the hut and shuts the door tight.) 

(Roaches rise from the bushes with the contents of night pot pouring down their faces. The sounds of music start to stream from the loudspeakers above the Roaches' heads, illuminated by flashing disco lights.

Anti-Roach (from the bushes opposite to Roaches): Down with the Roaches! Call Exterminator! 

Prince Igor (from a cloud above): Chervyaki! Worms! Screwed up the whole simple operation. Couldn't handle the little faggots. We don't need worms like these, we have enough of our own. Fire them! This is it. I had enough of these clowns. I need a vacation. I resign! Check me in my sanitarium! 
(Straddles his personal torpedo and navigates it from the "Aquarium" to Crimea.)

Scene 4: Sacrifice 

(Prince Igor arrives to the Caribbean from Crimea on his torpedo after extended vacation and recuperation. 
Taino temple on one of the 15-th century Caribbean islands: a pyramid-like structure with stairs along the walls. Prince Igor, dressed as a supreme priest, and Agüeybaná - Al, in G-string, are on the top of the pyramid in the middle, the chief Roaches, dressed as high priests, in white robes, crowd around them.) 

Prince Igor: Sacrifice! Sacrifice! Sacrifice! Blood is good! It is healthy! This is a therapeutic bloodletting. The victims are ready, committed and willing. The best and the brightest, the hope of the nation. 

They want to join you, gods!
They want to sate you, gods!
They want to please you, gods!

(Priests repeat the last three phrases after him. They lead 
Agüeybaná - Al to the sacrificial table and lay him down there. Prince Igor cuts his chest and takes his heart out. He raises the heart high in his hand and shows it to everyone, turning to each side, left and right.)

Prince Igor: 

This is to you, gods! So the sun would rise tomorrow and warm us. So the life would continue. 
So our nation would prevail and prosper!
(Priests repeat this last phrase after him. Prince Igor throws the 
Agüeybaná - Al's lifeless body down the stairs of the pyramid.) 

And now devour him. And now have your cake and eat it, too. 

And now eat your hearts out, our enemies! 
The gods of war are appeased! 
We will prevail and prosper!

(Priests repeat the last three phrases after him.) 

(Al screams and wakes up in terror. The temple turns into their hut.) 

Chris: It was just a dream, baby, just a bad dream. 

Al: It was very real, and I couldn't say if it was a dream or a reality. 

Chris: Nobody can... Nobody can... 

(Al sobs and quiets down. They hug.) 

Scene 5: Goodbye, My Love, Goodbye! 

(The morning of the next day. Al is by their hut, cleaning the log for a log cabin that he and Chris plan to build. Roaches 1 to 3 approach him. The are dressed as Franciscan monks and pretend to be blind, Roach 1 pretends to be blind on one eye only, wearing a patch on another, which makes him look like a pirate. Roach 2 is behind him, holding to his robe, and Roach 3 is behind Roach 2, holding to his robe.) 

Roach 1: Buenas, young man. Is this the blessed Island of Puerto Tricko? Oh, good. We are Chris'es friends from the Holy Inquisition. We came to see and say hello to him. 

Al: He went hunting. 

Roach 1: Oh, that's a pity. That's O.K., we will see him some other time. I guess, you miss him. 

Al: I always miss him. 

Roach 1: Well, we have a little present for you. This is the magic medallion. Whenever he is away and you miss him, you can open this medallion and see where he is and what he is doing. He is followed by our special drones, which keep track of him for safety reasons, and the picture quality, ekhe, ekhe, is very good. We have to go now, God bless you both

(The Roaches slowly walk away, whispering prayers. Al opens the medallion and sees a person who looks very much like Chris and who is kissing with another young man.)
Al: I cannot believe this, this couldn't be truth. (He looks intently into the medallion and sees the same thing.) Chris betrayed me. He probably never really loved me, anyway. I cannot stay with him, I have to give him his freedom. (He writes a letter and reads it out-loud.) "Dear Chris, I saw you kissing with another man, and I know now that you do not really love me, you just pretended. It does not make any sense to stay together like this, we have to part. Farewell, Sincerely, your Al." 
(He puts a letter on the table by the hut, thrusts the hatchet into the unfinished log and leaves. Roach 1 appears again, takes his letter and substitutes it with another one. 
Al sings a song): 

Chris (comes back from hunting, carrying a wild boar on his back): Al! Al! 

(He sees the letter and reads it): 

"Chris, I met another guy and fell in love with him. I don't love you anymore. We have to part. Al." 

Chris: I don't believe it, it couldn't be truth. This is some black magic. Al! Al! (Cries and sings a song):

(Chris walks away from the hut. Roach 1 appears again and sets a fire to the empty hut. The dying boar raises its snout and emits rageful piggy sounds. Very soon the hut turns into a hip of coals and ashes. The sign "The Gay Cassiques Family" falls down and apart.)

Scene 6: Exterminator Redux 

(Roaches 1 to 3, KGB Roach and the newly recruited rank and file Roaches gather around the hip of coals and ashes that used to be a hut and dance in jubilation, singing "La Cucaracha". They BBQ the boar left by Chris on the coals left from the hut.)

Anti-Roach (from the bushes): Down with the Roaches! Call Exterminator! 
(Comes out from the bushes and examines the arriving machinery): Well, it does look somewhat dysfunctional, doesn't it? But it still should work well in the right hands. Down with the Roaches! Finish them up! Take them out, once and forever! 

Exterminator: Here I am! Roaches caput! 

(Drives up to the scene on a small street cleaning car with a long thick black schlong on a side with which he sucks up all the screaming, terrified Roaches and vacuums up the place thoroughly. Only the half-BBQ-ed boar is left and continues to roast on low flames.) 

Scene 7: The Secret Language 

(Three birds appear. They resemble very much the drones-birds from the act 1. These are the real Inquisitors-Inspectors from the Holy Inquisition. They examine the place and have a discussion between themselves in a secret, hard to understand language. They sing a song in the same language.) 

Scene 8: An epiphany 

(Al and Chris walk in from the opposite sides of the stage, depressed, with their heads down, and bump into each other.) 

Chris: Al! 

Al: Chris! 

Chris: I love you. I never was with another man. I did my investigation. The Roaches filmed someone who looked like me and showed him to you. I want us to be together. 

Al: Now I know this too. I realized it. I just had an epiphany. And they changed the letter. I love you too, Chris. We will build our log cabin together. 

(They kiss, make up, sing a song together and dance.) 

Epilogue: The festive crowd 

This turns into a mass carnaval-burlesque. The festive crowd feasts on a now fully roasted BBQ-ed boar, which, with its sharp snout up in the air in the middle of the stage, resembles somewhat a big burnt roach. 

The Curtain: Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen! 

The End 

Play's Text Copyright ©2014 Michael Novakhov 


Comment 1: 

I would like to clarify and share my views on surveillance (I did express them previously). I think that not only it should not be curtailed, but just opposite: it should be expanded significantly, and not only nationally but trans-nationally. The host of legal, technical and ethical issues appear to be the somewhat secondary matter compared with the issues of public safety and well-being and can be resolved in some fashion and at some point. However this expanded surveillance has to be flexible, targeted, ethical, professional and on a state of the art level, which, I think, means that it should be performed mostly, besides large electronic networks, by micro- and mini-drones, which have the potential of replacing the human surveillance by informants as much more reliable, less expensive in a long run and free from the multitude of human factors and errors, such as subjectivity and manipulation. Besides that, large scale human surveillance is, in my view, quite unhealthy psychologically and socially.
I also think that the management of this surveillance should not be left in the hands of local authorities, which, in some cases, might not be ready for it, but should be centralized, and possibly managed jointly by the FBI, military services and other agencies. Security of such surveillance should be of paramount concern. The preventive component should be incorporated into this management. 
Another very interesting and novel issue (I have not read about this anywhere before and at this point it appears that it is my own raw idea) is the "therapeutic surveillance" (for the lack of a better term) as a part of mental health services, integrated in some fashion with law enforcement: providing the individuals in need with the "therapeutic alter ego" (on a 24 hours basis), which should also have a strong preventive component. We should embrace this new drone technology and develop highly specialized and efficient models of micro- and mini-drones. The specialized "arrest drones" is another area with highly beneficial practical applications.
This area is evolving very rapidly and might reach the stage of a true social revolution. There is also an issue of "edge" in international competition in this matters. 
And, of course, it is a lot, a lot of work to do. 


Comment 2: 

This play, besides being a fictional account, is based on my personal experiences of living in Puerto Rico for about last three years, with one difference: the reality is much harsher. I do like the ordinary Puerto Rican people sincerely: they are soft, simple and nice. However, those, associated with PR Secret Police, whatever its official structures and names are, and there are a lot of these people, appear to be utterly corrupted, in many senses and ways, and intoxicated with the sense of absolute impunity and lack of true moral values. 
I urge the American public to examine these issues for themselves: independently, thoroughly and deeply, regardless of my personal experiences and impressions. I think that the multiple and various problems that the Island is facing were neglected or mishandled for a long time. This is the time, it seems to me, to end the period and the erroneous strategy of "benign neglect". These problems are not only economical and financial, they are much deeper. And if we do not analyse, understand them in-depth and deal with them in a serious, committed and well thought out way, these problems will come to bite us. I think, that ultimately what will solve these problems, at least partially, is the mass migration from the Mainland, which is opposed and obstructed, overtly and covertly, consciously and unconsciously, by many "special interests" groups on the Island. Many Puerto Ricans who live in the States and who experienced the American culture are very different and can be the driving force of change on the Island. Once again, the problems are many, they are deep and difficult, and they demand the solutions urgently. 
Personally, I am going to stay on the Island (abandon all your hopes, who wish otherwise) and, far from being a part of the problem, will try to help to find the right solutions. 
American public, "see what I have seen and see for yourselves what I see", do your own investigations and studies and make your own conclusions. 


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